How to Know a Person by David Brooks: five stars!

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A very dear friend gifted me How to Know a Person by David Brooks for my birthday. It’s excellent! Full of insight and challenges on how to become a better person. A better communicator. A better listener and questioner. So much of what was discussed in the book deeply resonated with me, and I’m eager to share some highlights with you.

An overview of How to Know a Person by David Brooks:

David Brooks points out that one essential skill is foundational to any thriving individual or community: the ability to truly notice others and help them feel recognized. To know someone with depth and accuracy. To convey that they are valued, listened to, and understood.

Yet, many people go through life feeling overlooked and disconnected. In How to Know a Person, Brooks challenges us to do better. He asks vital questions: What kind of attention fosters real understanding? What kinds of conversations lead to deeper connection? On which parts of a person’s story should we focus?

With his usual curiosity and desire for personal growth, Brooks weaves insights from psychology, neuroscience, the arts, philosophy, and education to offer a warm, hopeful guide to building meaningful relationships. This book invites readers to cultivate empathy and attentiveness, and to discover the joy that comes from truly seeing and being seen. It also suggests a way forward for a society torn by division and misunderstanding.

At its core, Brooks says, the act of seeing another person is a creative one: How can we look at someone with intention and recognize something profound, not only in them but also in ourselves? How to Know a Person is a companion for anyone longing for connection and deeper understanding.

Quick highlights:

Seeing and understanding others

The central idea is that truly seeing someone means recognizing their inner life, listening well, and valuing their story, and that this is a crucial human skill. Brooks emphasizes that this is an act of moral beauty and a building block of healthy relationships and communities.

Curiosity as a moral and relational virtue

Curiosity is relational as well as intellectual. The book encourages a posture of gentle inquiry rather than judgment, and presents curiosity as a spiritual practice that honors the other.

The role of attention and presence

The quality of our attention, meaning whether we’re truly present with someone, matters deeply. Brooks talks about “illuminators” (those who make others feel seen) versus “diminishers” (those who overlook or flatten others).

Conversation as connection

Good conversations are less about information and more about relationship. Brooks offers tools for deeper listening, asking better questions, and helping others feel safe to share.

The importance of story

People are shaped by their narratives. To know someone, we must care about the stories they tell and notice the ones they might not know how to tell yet.

Social fragmentation and the need for repair

Brooks sees this book as a response to the relational wounds in our society. Things like polarization, loneliness, and misunderstanding. He believes personal growth in empathy and presence is a path to healing. I really appreciate Brooks’ thoughts in this area. He talks about how easy it is to be nice, but how few of us are effectively kind. What does that look like for you? This is something I want to ponder carefully.

Personal transformation through knowing others

In the process of seeing others well, we change. Brooks highlights how engaging with the depth of another’s experience expands our society. As a side note, I have to mention his fascinating remarks on self talk. Our own personal narratives aren’t always edifying. I like the idea that learning how to see others better and offer them grace can translate into seeing ourselves better and offering ourselves grace.

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What does it mean to be an “illuminator”?

Brooks uses the term “illuminator” to describe someone who makes others feel seen. Heard. Known. Understood. Appreciated. Illuminators are people others want to be around. They pay attention. They ask questions to draw someone out.

Brooks talks about how people long to share their story and be known, yet this is difficult for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are reserved. Or they’re in a relationship with someone who overshadows them. Perhaps they’re dealing with mental health issues. Or they’re under a lot of stress. Brooks shares from his heart about his walk alongside his best friend who suffered from depression.

How to Know a Person by David Brooks addresses many different aspects of being an illuminator. The topics that stuck with me the most (other than the quick highlights I’ve already mentioned) were about asking questions and addressing loneliness.

How do we ask better questions?

I loved Brooks’ discussion of questions! He points out that children ask SO MANY, often all day long. And yet, as adults, we have lost that. This can hamper our ability to connect with others. Asking sincere questions of someone honors them because it shows them you care about them and are interested in what they have to say. That’s beautiful! He encourages the use of “big questions” and offers many excellent examples. Here are some of mine:

What has surprised you recently?
What have you been postponing?
What keeps you up at night?
What societal need would you most like to see addressed and why?

What questions would you suggest? Please comment below with your ideas. Or share your answer to one of these questions!

Have you noticed that a lot of people are lonely?

Brooks suggests that there has been a dramatic increase in loneliness. Moreover, when someone is lonely, they’re more likely to be suspicious, easily offended, fearful, or mean. They’re more likely to doubt themselves. Think of the toll this takes on our health! And all of these things impact society. Perhaps this is part of why our country is so divided. Why there’s so much violence.

Many of us, myself included, rarely talk to strangers. I am unlikely to strike up a conversation with someone seated next to me on a plane or in a waiting room. It’s not that I’m uninterested. I’m just uncomfortable with starting something. Plus, often all the people around us are on their phones and don’t appear to be receptive to interaction. But maybe some of those strangers are struggling and would welcome a kind observation. I should make an effort to reach out more. What do you think?

A little about David Brooks

David Brooks is a columnist for The New York Times and a familiar voice on programs like PBS NewsHour, NPR’s All Things Considered, and NBC’s Meet the Press. He teaches at Yale and is a member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. Brooks is also a bestselling author, known for books like The Social Animal, Bobos in Paradise, and On Paradise Drive. He lives in Maryland and has three children.

How to Know a Person by David Brooks: strongly recommend!

This book is full of personal anecdotes and pearls of wisdom. Let me know what stands out to you!

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Fondly,

Crysti